How Understanding Attachment Styles Can Transform Your Marriage: A Personal Journey
Sometimes the most powerful insights come from unexpected places. While supporting clients through divorce, I often share this personal story because it illustrates how understanding attachment styles can transform relationships – even those that seem beyond repair.
My Wake-Up Call
Years ago, one of my close friends would regularly discuss how attachment styles affected his relationship. He'd talk about the challenges between his anxious attachment style and his girlfriend's avoidant style.
I listened. I nodded. I offered support.
But I never once asked myself the critical question: "What's MY attachment style?"
Even as my own marriage was struggling, I held onto a simplified (and incorrect) view of attachment:
Some people had attentive parents and developed secure attachment
Others had emotionally unavailable parents and developed problems
That was just how it was
It wasn't until my marriage reached a crisis point that I finally understood how attachment patterns were playing out in my own relationship.
The Turning Point
When my marriage was at its lowest point, a friend who specialized in emotionally-focused therapy helped me see something crucial: the recurring conflicts with my wife weren't just about the surface issues. They were part of what therapists call a "Core Pattern" – a dance of interaction driven by our attachment styles.
This insight led me to:
Seek individual therapy
Take an attachment style assessment
Study attachment theory through books like "How We Love"
Share these insights with my wife
Understanding our attachment patterns didn't just improve our marriage – it saved it.
Key Insights About Attachment
Through my journey and subsequent work with clients, I've learned several crucial things about attachment:
What Secure Attachment Really Means
Being able to share emotional discomfort with another person
Having that person truly listen and hold space
Feeling heard, seen, and understood
Experiencing emotional relief through sharing
Why Early Experiences Matter
Our childhood experiences create patterns of relating
Parents' emotional availability shapes our attachment style
Early interactions become templates for adult relationships
These patterns affect how we handle stress and conflict
Common Attachment Styles The book "How We Love" describes six styles:
The Avoider: Tends to withdraw when stressed
The Pleaser: Focuses on others' needs
The Vacillator: Swings between closeness and distance
The Victim: Feels helpless in relationships
The Controller: Seeks to manage uncertainty
The Secure Connector: Maintains healthy boundaries
The Impact on Relationships When couples don't understand their attachment styles:
They misinterpret each other's behaviors
They get caught in recurring conflicts
They question their compatibility
They miss opportunities for healing
The Good News About Change
Here's what's really important to understand: Your attachment style isn't your destiny. While early experiences shape us, we can learn new patterns of relating. In fact, our adult relationships offer opportunities to:
Experience secure attachment for the first time
Heal old wounds through understanding
Create new patterns of interaction
Build deeper, more fulfilling connections
Taking Action: Understanding Your Attachment Style
If you're experiencing relationship challenges or considering divorce, understanding attachment styles could provide valuable insights. Here are some steps you can take:
Assess Your Style
Take the Love Style Quiz at howwelove.com
Read about your primary style
Notice patterns in your relationships
Increase Awareness
Observe your stress responses
Notice recurring relationship patterns
Consider how your early experiences influence you
Seek Support
Consider individual or couples therapy
Look for an emotionally-focused therapist
Share insights with your partner if appropriate
Learn More
Read "How We Love"
Study attachment theory
Join relationship workshops
Why This Matters for Divorce Decisions
Whether you're trying to save your marriage or considering divorce, understanding attachment styles can help you:
Make more informed decisions about your relationship
Communicate more effectively during transition
Protect your children from attachment disruption
Create healthier patterns in future relationships
A Personal Note
As a divorce coach, I share this story not just as a testimonial for attachment work, but as an invitation to deeper understanding. Whether your path leads to reconciliation or divorce, understanding attachment patterns can help you:
Navigate relationship transitions more wisely
Make decisions aligned with your values
Protect your children's emotional well-being
Create positive changes for your future
Ready to learn more about how attachment styles might be influencing your relationship decisions? Let's schedule a conversation to explore how this understanding could help you navigate your current challenges with greater wisdom and clarity.
